Happy Families: the Tsars

Today, in 1801, Tsar Paul I of Russia died. Poor Paul did not have a very good life at all. I mean, don't get me wrong, he was the most powerful man in Russia for a time, so clearly he wasn't, you know, the most hard done by person on the planet. But he didn't have the easiest time of it, either.

He was the son of Catherine the Great and Grand Duke Peter. Except, he wasn't. Maybe In her memoirs, his mother strongly implied that he was the product of a relationship with one of her lovers. But his mother hated him, and wanted to cast doubt on his claim to the throne, so this, combined with his physical resemblance to his father, suggest that he actually was Peter's son. Regardless of which claim is true, the fact that this was discussed around him from an early age can't have done him much good really.

In 1764, when he was a mere 10 years old, Lord Buckingham, who was the British Ambassador at the Russian court, suggested that his mother would have had him killed if she wasn't afraid of the social consequences of being implicated in a murder. Again, the story has no clear basis in fact, but the rumors circulated wildly, and it is likely that Paul at least heard of them, even if he did not believe them.

Catherine's actions - whether true or not - do seem to have had some effect on him. When he was 16, he started suspecting that his mother was trying to kill him, and once openly accused her of filling his food with broken glass. Once he was old enough, Catherine ensured that he was married off and sent to live in various parts of the realm far away from her. She openly insulted him in front of her favourites when he was at court, and encouraged them to do the same, as well as lavishing luxurious gifts on them whilst ignoring her own son. 

Once his wife had given birth to a son - later to become Alexander I - Catherine was determined to exclude Paul from the line of succession. For this reason, when she eventually did die in 1796, Paul immediately seized control and demanded that any documents which stated that he was to be cut out of the line to the throne be destroyed.

Years of living in his mother's shadow had not prepared him well for rule, and he proved an inadequate monarch over his short five year reign. He was far too concerned with the possibility of his own assassination, and, whilst most people wrote off his crazy conspiracy theories as just that, he did at least have the satisfaction of eventually proving them wrong.

Or he would have, had he lived. Which, after being attacked with a sword, then strangled, then finally trampled to death in his bedroom, he did not. Poor Paul.   

Sorceress on the Seine

So I'm never sure what I'm going to write about on any given day until I've gone on Wikipedia and read the brief description of what happened 'on this day' and seen who was born, and who died and so on. Anyway, on some days, nothing of real interest happens (or it was just wars and stuff and I am so sick of military history) and on other days, like today, loads has happened. 

For example, today marks the anniversary of George Washington's birth; the anniversary of the refounding of the Serbian Kingdom; the opening of the first Woolworth's; the day the Last Invasion of Britain began (which apparently has to be capitalized...); the first national conventions of both the Republican Party and the Prohibition Party (in separate years) and Dolly the sheep was cloned (yay, science!). So all of these things are clearly very Important and Significant and such and so I was wondering how I was going to get through the mountains of information out there about them and condense it down to a few paragraphs. Also, most of these are quite famous events, so a lot of people already know loads about them, which would probably make reading this quite boring.

But then, tucked away under the 'people who died on this day' section, I discovered Catherine Monvoisin, French sorceress. And I do love magic and fantasy, so I now present the life and times of a witch (who actually is pretty interesting!)

Catherine wasn't originally a witch. Born Catherine Deshayes, around 1640, she grew up around Paris and married a jeweller called Monvoisin. Unfortunately, Mr. Monvoisin wasn't a very good jeweller and they didn't have very much money at all, so Catherine started supplementing their income by practicing medicine - giving abortions or delivering babies as a midwife to women who needed them. This was not enough, however, so Catherine gave herself the name La Voisin and started practicing 'witchcraft'. At first, this was just face and palm reading, but soon she was providing love potions and poisons, and putting on shows, assisted by the magician Lesage (who was also her lover) and a renegade priest, who would perform a black mass - a parody of the Christian mass.

The ingredients lists for her love potions have been uncovered by historians, and well...I'm just glad I didn't have to try one of the poisons.  But anyway, if you maybe have a little crush on someone who's not reciprocating, why not slip a little something in a drink for them? The little somethings you could slip in could include: bones of toads, teeth of moles, Spanish flies, iron fillings (um...?), human blood or the dust of human remains. It'll totally work.

Anyway, these potions became very popular with the many mistresses of Louis XIV, four of whom at some point went to La Voisin and asked her to supply them with a poison to kill one of the other mistresses (and at one point, even the King himself). Maybe. Possibly. The 'evidence' for this is circumspect at best and even at the time, it could never be proven. 

However, sadly for La Voisin, the King's sister-in-law had died in 1676, and her death had been attributed to poison, supposedly given to her by the 'witch' Madeleine de Brinvilliers. Though it was later proven that her death was a result of a perforated peptic ulcer (do yourself a favour and don't Google image search that. Really.) the panic as a result of her 'poisoning' was still at its peak in Paris in 1679.

When La Voisin was accused of trying to kill one of the King's mistresses, she was swept up in a tide of fear and hysteria, and was naturally found guilty, even though no one could come up with any proper evidence. She was executed on 22 February 1680, burned at the stake for being a witch.     

Mary Queen of Scots[land]:

Today marks 424 years since the execution of Mary, Queen of Scots. You may be wondering why she was executed, and if you were, you'd be in luck, because I have read some books and I can now tell you why (I'm training to become a proper historian, and I believe that all I have to do is read enough books and stroke my beard thoughtfully enough and I'll be there). If you're not wondering why she was executed, you might want to stick around for the less gory bits, or perhaps go and eat a biscuit, or listen to a song that has my name in. Lovely.

Anyway, Mary, Queen of Scots. Born Mary Stuart, she was crowned Queen Mary I of Scotland at the ripe old age of six days (her father had died in battle), and in an episode which didn't really do much for stereotypes, the male courtiers in charge of the ceremony made a right mess of things, trying to get the baby to grasp a three foot sword and a scepter at the same time. Determined to ignore this rather poor start, they quickly arranged for her to become bethrothed to the French Dauphin (sadly, just a Prince and heir to the French throne, not the French Dolphin, as I initially misread, which would have been much more exciting) and packed her off to France.

There, Mary grew up, into an apparently tall and beautiful woman, who was capable of speaking French, English, Latin, Spanish, Greek and Italian. This proved a problem when the Dauphin snuffed it, and eighteen year old Mary headed back to her home country, where she couldn't understand a word her people were saying to her through their thick accents. However, this was soon to become the least of her troubles, as she was a strict Catholic, whereas most of the Scottish were ardent Presbyterians (like the Puritans, but with less general jolliness) which was to have dire consequences in years to come.

Anyway, Mary decided on returning to the country that she would like to get married again, which everyone thought was a splendid idea until they saw her choice of husband - the deeply unpopular sort-of contender for the throne Lord Darnley. Within two years, however, Darnley had managed to become equally unpopular with Mary herself, when he burst into her bedchamber with 20 men and murdered her private secretary in front of her, whilst she was heavily pregnant.

By this point, Mary decided that they were a bit beyond Couples Counseling, and arranged for her new lover to strangle then blow up her second husband, marrying him shortly after. This, ultimately, led to her undoing. There has never been any solid proof that Mary arranged or had any part in Darnley's murder, but there was enough implication there for her marriage to the supposed murderer to disgrace her enough that she had to abdicate and flee south into England and the arms of her cousin, Elizabeth I. 

Mary had thought that Elizabeth would support her in a sort of "we Queens had better stick together, eh?" way, but she was to be sorely disappointed. England and Scotland had been enemies for too long for the Queen of England to suddenly forget all their previous history together and help her cousin, and besides - she was a Catholic. This was quite a headache for Elizabeth. Keeping Mary in the country would make her a very visible rallying point for Catholic assassination plots - here was a ready made Queen just waiting to be stuck on the throne! - but deporting her meant that she would probably use the opportunity to muster an army and invade England. Executing her was not an option initially, as Elizabeth, whose own mother had been killed by her father, was very opposed to the ideas of both regicide and killing a cousin.

Therefore, she did what politicians have done for centuries since, and launched an inquiry. After much faffing and paper pushing, it was concluded that Mary should be kept captive in various different castles around the country. At first, probably at Elizabeth's assistance, her captivity was a fairly enjoyable experience - she was provided with plenty of clothes and comfortable furnishings, daily meals and was even allowed a few servants and ladies in waiting. The English queen's assistants, however, were not happy with this. Aware of the huge wars between Catholics and Protestants that were occurring on the continent, they believed that the only way to be rid of the 'threat' of the Scottish queen was to have her executed on some trumped up charges.

Elizabeth deliberated, for nineteen whole years. Eventually, "evidence" was found that strongly suggested Mary was plotting with other Catholics to have Elizabeth assassinated and replace her on the throne, and Elizabeth had no choice but to have her put to death. Many historians these days believe that much if not all of the evidence was fabricated, but at the time it was deemed substantial enough that Mary was put on trial, convicted of treason, and set to be executed. 

The execution did not go to plan. It took two or three blows for the axeman to completely sever her head; when he finally managed it and held it up by her hair, it dropped out of his grasp and rolled away, as what he was really gripping hold of was a wig, and after all that had taken place, the watching crowds were horrified, then presumably very relieved when her dress started whimpering and moving, and a small lapdog ran out of the clothing. Lovely.

It was not, it has been noted, a very dignified affair.    

The True Prince of Wales

Having written such serious pieces the last couple of days, I think it's time we had something a little more lighthearted. It is also absolutely pouring with rain - horrible, slanted, icy rain, the kind that hits you from every angle and soaks through your waterproof - so I think it's also time we took a trip to Wales. On this day in 1283, the Prince of Gwynedd - Dafydd ap Gruffydd - became the first person to be executed by being hanged, drawn and quartered. A dubious honour indeed.

What exactly is hanging, drawing and quartering, I hear you ask? Let me explain. [Those of weak heart/mind/stomach should probably skip this paragraph.] First, you take your criminal and attach him to a horse - or maybe two horses, if he was a bit chubby - via a hurdle.You then draw him on the hurdle across town, to his place of execution. (So I guess it really should be called drawing, hanging and quartering...) Next, you string up your criminal (who is having this done to him because he's been convicted of High Treason by the way) and hang him until he's almost dead, before cutting him down. Then (and here comes the really gory bit), you cut off his 'privy members' and take out his bowels 'and burn them before him'. You would then have  him (and it was always him - women were merely burned at the stake, for the sake of 'decency') beheaded, and his body chopped into quarters and sent to various parts of the country, as a warning to anyone else who might have been considering committing a treasonous act. 

All this, of course, took place in a public arena - partially to maximize the indignity the criminal had to suffer, and partially because it was a great form of entertainment in Medieval Britain. (Anyone who is tutting about the uncivilized barbarians who make up medieval society should think carefully about the sorts of films people nowadays like to watch - the kind which have wimps like me hiding behind the sofa and sleeping with the light on for days, and imagine what they might think of us.)

And what had good old Dafydd done to deserve such a fate? He was sentenced "to be drawn to the gallows as a traitor to the King who made him a Knight, to be hanged as the murderer of the gentleman taken in the Castle of Hawarden, to have his limbs burnt because he had profaned by assassination the solemnity of Christ's passion and to have his quarters dispersed through the country because he had in different places compassed the death of his lord the king".

You see, after his brother died in 1282, Dafydd was proclaimed Prince of Wales and decided to attack Hawarden Castle in Shropshire as a display of power, which didn't exactly go down too well with Edward I, to whom Dafydd was supposed to be paying homage. Edward amassed an army, and by January 1283, had captured most of the heartland of Wales. Dafydd and his supporters held out for another six months or so, hiding in the valleys, but were eventually captured on 22 June. He was tried for high treason against the King (again, the first person to suffer this fate) in Chester, and naturally found guilty. His sons were imprisoned in Bristol Castle, for the rest of their lives, where they died in circumstances which can best be described as mysterious; his daughters sent to convents around the country. 

Because of this, Dafydd not only holds the title of a famous first, but also a famous last - he was the last Welsh Prince of Wales. Edward I made his eldest son (also called Edward) Prince of Wales on his birth, and the title has been held by the current monarch's eldest son ever since. 

One can understand why the Welsh may not be so happy about this arrangement...